Life is still funny. Eighteen years and just four days short of two months ago I had a biopsy that turned out to reveal stage three cancer. Malignant Melanoma, and cells were found in the main draining lymph node from the source. If I had blown off that appointment as I had planned to do I wouldn’t have had the bulk of these subsequent years. That kind of thing can really change you if you let it, and it can really change you if you try to ignore it, I believe. One of the really interesting things it has done to me is I feel really invested in the people that I don’t personally know who openly share their experiences.
Hank Green found out he had cancer and posted YouTube videos about the diagnosis and what he was experiencing, a few years after the time (if I remember correctly) I hit my ten year post treatment mark; the first big anniversary where the chance of the cancer coming back is less than the occurrence of new, unrelated cancer. Hank still talks about it from time to time on his channel and I find it fascinating that I share some of the same thought processes as he has shared.
Randal Munroe writes the http://xkcd.com online comic and has shared comics on his fiancee and her cancer diagnosis. XKCD was one of my stress relievers working in IT departments for the better part of my career when I discovered it in the early 2000’s. It was a Monday-Wednesday-Friday published comic and I don’t think I ever got much more than a week behind in reading it. Since I’ve been liberated from the office grind I’ve been slacking some. Tonight getting caught up, one comic from a little over a week ago was titled “Fifteen Years” and is a compilation of the story of his wife’s cancer as seen through his comics that gets appended to occasionally. It really got me thinking of the journey that I’ve been on (and neglecting to write about, but we’ve talked about that…)
Anyway, I wanted to share that comic and my thoughts tonight. I’ve been trying to get this blog rolling again several times for several years, and maybe this can be the start. When I had cancer a lot of people told me that I needed to keep a journal about what I was going through, and I decided that was too depressing to think about. That was, evidently, the wrong decision, because I don’t remember a lot about it and I have some regrets. But I’m looking to not make that mistake four more times.
One of the surprising things that hits me every year around this time is the onset of freezing weather brings it all back to mind, but not in an obvious way. I started chemotherapy on January 2, 2008, the earliest date after recovering from my surgery that they could get me started. The doctors warned me that my immune system was going to be impacted and I had to take care to not get sick. They told me to bundle up before driving in for chemo. Warm coat, hat, scarf, gloves, thick socks under my boots. Up until that month I don’t think I’d ever given a lot of thought to keeping warm. All through high school I just toughed it out with a denim jacket and hands stuffed down in my pockets. But now when the first real cold wether hits and I go out in it, there’s this subconscious connection that takes me a couple days to figure out the reason I have this deep-down feeling of impending doom that I can’t seem to shake. I suppose it hit me particularly bad last Monday because I had a 10:00 speech therapy session up in research park near the Huntsman Cancer Hospital where I got treated for cancer. I bundled up (somewhat) and had to scrape the frost from my windshield before I could go see the doctor. I’ve been miserable all week, even more than usual, and with seeing Randal’s comic it really made me appreciate the connection.
Seeing the comic also made it impossible for me to pass the opportunity to share, because I made the decision a long time ago to share (maybe overshare) the personal things in life; because if you don’t share the meaningful moments then maybe nobody can make those connections that keep our humanity real and ties us together in shared experiences.
And maybe if connections do get made, people might realize that I have some insights that might help with what they’re going through, if they need it. I’d like to help in any way I can, but I can’t help if nobody knows I’m willing and available.
Here’s the comic and the link:
